AND YOUR TASTE.............THE SCENT OF LIGHTNING IN YOUR EYES....

I was , suffice to say, surprised to find some words of genuine intimacy directed towards this universe we share and seemingly towards me to the extent that can be so.I find these words to be the most admirable to be directed to me personally in what feels like eons..One can talk philosophy and psychology all day long and it could not mean a thing to me right now.Its always the eyes to me.Its always the silence that makes my body roar.Did you enjoy the humor of the partner who does not care to look???? An interesting way to introduce something noticed over time.While I c no qualitative difference in terms of better or worse,higher or lower......it seems I find two styles of  lively and magical type.The seeker or yogi style and the 'master' style.Me I'm all yogi while my ooooooops partner is all master style.TO YOUR SOUL THEN-I must b an awful bore then to you as u c the foolishness of  what I have done.truly.as far as starving myself from the hungry, I wonder if other people can c other peoples eyes when they close their own.I can not imagine who wrote these words but they make me very happy(having to bail on one who will not c kinda sucks though).I have been kinda correctly made fun of in a way I can stand and can only say thank you for reminding me of what it is I am to be in even the most mundane way.These words are forced because you leave me speechless with these you have sent.A treasure to me from a great unknown universe that responds to true love.

Simple and clear

I have not stated clearly that my on line accounts have had the privileged of having strangers favorite songs (like the tupac song recently commented on),)  make changes on my profile,change my nickname,leave all manner of nasty comment and somehow in the midst of these things over the last several years 4 no reason at all my significant other receives two money order checks for $895..00 each which some other poor fool would have deposited and drawn money off of..It sounds crazy even though its quite documented.I have files all over my computer that say "how can you live with yourself" and  "be careful".that were placed there in ways that are beyond me.I know someone had a right to be angry with me 4 a minute over some careless remarks.but my  goal was simply to tell them I cared.and will always wish them well..I can not pretend,no matter how nuts that all sounds that it is not so.Also I like some of the things they surprise me with.Also,as I am very much the way I am in the circle of these things and with whomever these things have happened have created a subtle bond which could be kind just as well as it could be finger pointing.That is to say a bond of some sort exists such that I am compelled to very much let it be and keep  in natures purvey.I have been very lazy with computers anyway making them hard for me to keep up with .Odd I suppose.I wouldn't have a phone for years because I found it intrusive.I live in a bubble often and try not to look at things around me. often.The opposite also is good........c'ing everything as periphery.I  was a very embarrassed young person because I attracted attention I did not know what to do with.I learned to socialize very poorly i'm afraid but   I found myself having to close sales and make sure business got done and this helped me.Also,working for 14 years qualified me for disability as opposed to ssi which is a very difficult life.SSD is based on the recipient having paid taxes for at least 40 quarters.One ostensibly then gets back the interest from the tax money they supplied the government.It is still very difficult to get very swiftly but I was very well scrutinized by the government and was awarded my disability in just over 5 months.I know a lot about this process and how the medical and social services work together.I spent time doing some field social work after that.I helped and worked with people with all manner of mental diagnosis through the auspices of The Chelton Loft. .That opened doors in to other psycho-social clubs and programs.The Reagan administration gutted mental health care as far as wide ranging outpatient programs geared toward a sense of redemption in rehabilitation.I identified what I considered to be a serious priority.Many young people have died from overdose and frankly this is caused by a lack of some sensible means to house homeless young people.I am not to knowledgeable about this and I know that this is a very difficult group to help but I think some intelligent minds could come up with a working model to spare younger people from despair and grief.It once was ,I am told that there was even music therapy centers for those who qualify by diagnosis where mental health Patience  could apply themselves to all aspects of music.I think this is a timely topic as the baby boom generation gets towards "very old" there will be a huge need for all kinds of assistance from youth and added need for many in the baby boom generation who may find themselves alone and in need of all  types of services including housing and community..

TumblrWHAT THE...IT STILL MAKES NO SENSE BUTT EYE'LL TRY AGAIN

Tumblr What's all this then?.....................................I wish they would stop being mean.Who am I to judge though.It would not bring me solace to c a hurtful thing happen to someone who has clearly and publicly wished me ill will and expressed their desire to have that come to pass.Its a little thing but I still am amazed why someone would be that cruel to another who simply is trying to communicate.In this example I had several songs Favorited in my you tube account other than myself.I mentioned this and the next thing I'm being tossed off by a person I do not know but certainly am always interested to do so.4 what????????? I think I ought to ask because If I'm going on line one must presume some communication with others would be involved.People can be frustrating including me.Fine, toss me off but one day you will have to give someone else that time and understanding you might not wish to.Sometimes doing something you do not want to is a guise for remaining closed from other people and the unexpected ways of grace among us.This concerns you not I as I am fully rejected but later others will come and I care about people enough to ask you to please consider giving others more time although it may rub you wrong to do so.

Gmail

Gmail       i don't know why it appeares.

The human mentality of a disharmonious man

They go hand in hand.I know bwcause I allowed it to carry me away from a flexible roundness.I would rather not disappoint.I am very submerged and not fit for friendship for a while now.I have a faith in others that allows me to trust that one day it would clearly be different.Not because I say it but It grows tiresome taking the wrong position or pose and pissing um off.I feel certain I hold little credibility or interest in some circles.I have been a mess 4 a while and knew that was ill omened 4 another.I DO NOT WISH TO MAKE AN EXCUSE.I think a native intelligent s over time will feel the emeried,energy If it exists within me.passion and education are hard to fake especially when you defer to their intuition and intelligences.I have a premonition and I ask one thing( I ought to have cried out before).I leave it up to you .I made myself unworthy .It is up to you if you are ever curious or wondering who I am.I hate to c people disagree and I love to differ to one who can be trusted in feeling it.I think your ability to rely on yourself saves you from mistakes.Some people do not seem static.Disharmony has a siver lining but rarely between friends.Sometimes its gold though.I know you know right away if someone is dedicated to their passion and activity.I wonder though.Henceforth i differ and that must suffice for my lifetime.I have small things to do But I must be free to be energetic.I shall think of whomever with admiration and satisfaction in having this opportunity to know myself by my knowledge and those who know mw through adversity and rejection for what are very good reasons.I have ZEO CRED i bet with yo but beware of those who stultify your flexibility.happy times to whomever.I do not think I allwed anyone to know much to my regret.I did as i did and would do it the same for authenticities sake.I wish you would not be a stranger but understand and that is that to all.merry Christmas until.... I am sincere in these words but you may care less to read them.C ya down the road or over yonder !!!!!!!

i feel such sympathy and concern for this lost person,,,,,please check this out

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©2010 Dear Lost.......at your darkest time someone will help you.You must be in great pain.We will send you very extra special prayers in our circle 4 the rest of your life.Be of good chear!!!!! you upset me and I know you wanted that.

And the result is.....

After one bottle drunk in 1 hour by myself, I say this palmer 1980 is fairly mind altering in an almost owsleyan way.Very nice.

notes from a head cold by Ralph usdan

Bombay doors open please......As far as flu's and head colds go I hold with those who say " No rest 4 the wicked and the righteous don't need any.No options mate,so its going to have to be fine French wine it looks like.ITS NOT MY FAULT!!!!!Ask any GOURMAND WHAT THEY WOULD DO???????And.....if there are wine drinkers reading this ...............there are all these California red wines that drink insane ! ! ! Bottled in the Seventies.Sonoma valley 1976.It must be drunk period the end and these folk don't really get it or seem to care to.I found another case of rare Bordeaux vintage 78 which name I forget , its a Long-ville or something . Ah ,here it is ...." Baron de Pichon-LONGUEVILLE.A Paullac-Medoc.Crumby vintage though but it drinks.Its ,Ugh, 1981......not a great year I think..There is cases of Mondavi from the eighties.Cabs I guess.I don't know much about california wine but all this rox.It has a short time left to be enjoyed.So I can now wonder About the efficacy of regular wine drinking.Good wine that is.Small amounts( I forget) are curative.I think I'll guzzle a full bottle of Palmer 1980 just to c what happens???????????? NO I fell guilty for drinking up the Latour.Thats not being a gourmand but as they say in French 'un grand couchon '. I will always endeavor to embody the greatness of their grapeness.Narley bug though later

THE NASTY FLU/COLD

Oh well, I had a good run.Other than giardia or however that illness is called,which makes your orifices become confused and hurried in the cause of evacuation,I didn't have a nasty bug 4 12 years.This was some quick little thing that I am sure would not like to be abused.I'm thinking lately of all the great books I've burned(left behind/given away).I have actually read one book for 5 years.I think The first book I'll re-read is "tender is the Night",by my least favorite author of his ilk,F.Scott Fitzgerald.I jest.Stanislaw Lem is a very interesting author.I find " Notes Found In a Bathtub " to be a significant political commentary.Science fiction is basically crumby fiction and little and bad science.Somehow it became a vehicle for several authors and several only who transformed our perception as the world seemed to transform as the books predicted in limited regards only.Virtual reality is chief amongst these.Simulation, simulacra and simulacrum.Virtue means by virtue? In and of itself.Without artifice of any kind.Natural.It can't be bought or mimicked ever. Neither by thievery.

What you c is what you get

I cant say anything regarding a lot of things regarding other people when I find I've been exactly like that in my own way.So many things in the mass media in general lends itself to that.Events ,people,comments about people.There is little I can do to respond to anything I hear or c on line when I can relate or empathize in varieties of ways.I have all my tweets and sent one in response to someone saying "they know a secret".My response was vastly misunderstood as I advised "keep it to yourself that you do that".Its your choice anyway.I think it would be more fun to c if or how the person admits.I care about people and It doesn't make me feel good when conflicts arise in life and all kinds of resentments arise from some seeming misunderstanding.I find all this to be very very interesting regarding the actual lifelong facts of the people involved if certain situations exist.This is all extraneous stuff,but How does any response even to a hallucination or something I imagine work if the response is still going to be misunderstood from loose writing and firmly express freedom from hatred and negative emotion which 4 me is not something I blame other people for in general.All I can ever say to people is " ah so,I see" regarding their expressions of their thoughts of me.That would be my response in most cases one way or another.I suppose I could be vain if I thought certain things were about me,but my life is of course private and no less complicated like billions more.I am always glad when people make their choices regarding their feelings about my choices, even if through questionable auspices.I am glad 4 it although I can't think of anything to write!!!!! I can empathize,and understand how another person feels as best I can.I hear and read expressions from people about their feelings and no matter however its directed in any possible negative way I can't write a thing that hateful if it reminds me of me at this point.Which would be a lot .I do not think some ideas I had were very obviously finished about 10 months ago.I didn't take that running around was much of a big deal.It was a useful outlet 4 me 4 about 15 years especially as I was adapting to what was a different world 4 me.I know and realized when everything was "kiss my ass this" , "slide on a black dick that", how someone felt.I prefer other people as they are.All kind of folks have different ways to work things out that are private but often part of cycles and other stuff seem to collide.I don't want to feel angry with someone for how they feel about me.I imagine all kinds of possibilities as to things I c on line.I must admit I had foolishly thought there was something of value that I was communicating that might be useful.Ironically I did the things I did to be a free man who knew about himself for the benefit of a woman. So now marks my new and fresh start and that is something to celebrate.I have implicit faith because Nature will do what it will for people in a very equal way.I have no reason to feel malice from anyone so How would I respond as such,especially on computer whereby one can rarely know who is rapping on the other line.Music can however .Its very dicey though.Let's say I thought something was so as far as someones lyrics.WHAT SHOULD I SAY????????? The truth is I would be honest with any friend about it.I would assume they would not be uptight and after perhaps some period of time ,understanding the rather confusing person I am,then they would know who and how I am.I have nothing to add I guess.I reasonably would not know whether this post regards something regarding me or perhaps in part.I VERY MUCH understand the boundary line of someone's behavior where I know it has nothing to do with my actions or writings from long ago.I appreciate the sincerity and would have much to say if I thought I could without the possibility of bitter speech or being pegged that way.We shall c if I still feel as protective but I am expecting happy shining stars over the next month from people.P.S Pots are welcome to call the pan black regarding their personal sensitive activity and ways to blow of steam!!!!!!!!Have a happy Time anyways from my heart to yours.I have a place in my heart that belongs to you !!!!! If ever you wish to claim it,I have always been easy to find.That's strictly a joyful place however!!!! happy trails R U

DRIVE YOUR KARMA CURB YOUR DOGMA

CURB YOUR DOGMA.I do not believe discussion about philosophy is too much more than one person saying " it is" and the another saying "it isn't".I also am very interested in applied philosophy as it plays out in the day to day and think about philosophe. These blog posts I make started in about 2003 in order to re-learn how to write.All my friends and family agree my writing style is very different than I am in person when communicating.This is an ongoing project that demands repetition as I try and refine some content.Also,on account of my education I used to speak in a way that made others uncomfortable and punch me back in the day so It seemed practical to give up using my vocabulary,especially when selling paper to Tony Brusco's clan etc.I largely still do in conversation but enjoy using and abusing it here.I wish I had been able to complete my Post/statement regarding plagiarism which my Hard core Russian best friend was willing to contribute to,Namely a Tasteful photo of one part of her anatomy that is original not plagiarized as is the case with The vapid word lady who more than likely finds Dostoevsky to be boring.I am sure she is a kind person though as the camera does not lie and my friend made me watch her on that effing Oreily (blank blank , blank, blank ...and that's a fried .I always run from Russian woman and always will (on account of my close friend teaching me what Russian woman are capable of ) especially Ms Barbie Marina Petrovna or whatever her actual name is.I do want a free notebook however. My dear Russian speaking friend (originally) has not picked one book up in the twenty odd years i know her but she is also hard working hard core Punk/greaser Biker chick Italian first generation American.I expect a Russian to be well versed in literature and offer more poetry than the plastic boobs chic.Russians were that way in 1984 when I visited the former USSR.I love 'The brothers Karamazov' and always thought I was a little of each.Also......the subject matter which is 'Patricide" is fascinating.Whoever says they "know" is very suspect in my opinion;there is often an ulterior motive often just to mess up your life so that opinion Of mine ought give anyone a notion about my relationship with wanting to be considered "right".I like the mystery of life which paradoxically drives me to want to know the "how" of things.I am actively telling folks to figure it out 4 themselves wherever I go and at the same time share expressions of all manner of emotion and examples of effed up doodee I lived through.19 year olds often insist I just talk and ramble on as much as possible.My favorite speaker on the occult and " spiritual" said however..... "10,000 volumes of the finest words of wisdom do not equal a single moment of silence"(rammanna maharshi).As the body and the sensations you feel in the body on a normal day do not know "time", you can re focus your attention on body sensations(like breathing with its complex rhythms)and give the thinking mind which often gets lost in time,a needed break. I could not say that what I have written here exemplifies me much but I am no longer willing to castigate or excoriate on subjects and people.I could write some long pieces on popular culture but I can not c value in sharing anything which evidently is only good enough for someone to criticize with 5th rate pragmatism at times.Not at all always but when I say someone is a sophist I assume they understand I am deeming them incapable and unworthy of continued conversation along those lines. I was doing this "personal Blog" before therapists were recommending it and never meant it to be My treatise on life the universe and everything.I have to wait a bit till i can c the dentist on dec 15 but it should be quick and hopefully home by the new year.Interesting challenges here in west by God I must say.Here is my dogma though.Its that as soon as u need a rule you are no longer virtuous.It does not happen in and of itself anymore if you have made the rule.One creates the profanity by making the law.This is why I think,that humans use ambiguous sayings to communicate information.Precisely to curb the Dogma I will say to you "always remember every stick has two ends".I do not know why but most people instantly understand that very old expression I copped off of G.I Gurdjieff.Sometimes you create unbreakable bonds with someone in the process of hating on them.I do not know what's wrong with me but if someone says "anything you can do I can do better" I just feel sorry 4 them having to live in a world like that.I celebrate individualism ,virtuosity and the notion that each can find their own way,And that each has equal possibility 4 excellence in day to day response.Competition has no place in my world.I prefer a quantum universe to the Newtonian model of c'ing the universe as revolving around ones self interest.Obviously any statement implies its opposite as I repeat 4 your benefit.As its an ongoing work of mine I write it to encourage myself. These writings are very myopic relative to whats happening in my head and heart but its useful and surely will be entertaining to me twenty years from now when I can c how time has played things out.That's one reason Its worth giving up my love of tobacco and smoking electronic cigarettes instead just to be there in twenty years to continue commenting on extraneous toppix.I would like to do more writing which precludes my making wicked sarcastic comments that to me seem like plain old bitter cynical B.S which ain't me(although I got a trashy mouth sometimes).I am finally admitting misjudging people and that makes life easier.I don't know when I can be on line here in the wild mountains but sooner than not.Happy thanksgiving or Birthday or whatever day... in case....ba ba 4 a wahl.

HERE WE GO AGAIN

up to the mountains where they know most about bad teeth.Pretty thrifty if i can pull (hee-hee) it off.Its rough here 4 real Jack.Its god for my well being and fixing my teeth evolves a lot of admitting I care enough about my life, which is essential to levels of being in life.In my opinion.No p-u-tor here o mine so I have to sneak on.This seems like a tentative pain in the ass plan.

a picture is worth a thousand words......

And I'm just unable to get the words out in any meaningful coherent way.So, in the throws of laughing so hard I was crying I attempted to make a video twice but all I could get was me laughing and trying to say something.I saw my sagely psychiatrist and(actually i may not be afraid of acting adolescent but I am afraid of that action becoming compulsive or more obsessive than usual)....ahem...I said basically that I could not share certain things with her because they go beyond expectations one can have of a doctor and that I always try to respect that a patient must fallow the " psychiatric patient credo " to wit: " i'm crazy if I tell the doctor and paranoid if I don't ". She just could care the fuck less as long as I'm relatively healthy.I had a fine insight while strolling this morning that people who are very forgiving are often the type who never forget which explains why their extra forgiving.Their always in a conflict especially the sincerely forgiving and understanding because they wind up remembering things when mad or off in other ways which creates the worst conflicts for themselves often expressing things in an unreasonable way in a manner they do not mean.I feel certain that in the past 6 months on numerous occasions I assume I look like a dear staring in to a pair of headlights.That looks and feels funny to me because of the ridiculous way I write and talk sometimes. " cause I'm already standing on the ground ". I am not standing on 'rugs' now but the solid earth so there will be no mistaking.Because only the one who can pull the ground out from under me deserves the privilege of doing so.It can't be done by any but the one nature sends to do so.Its like the sword of king Arthur.Only he and he alone of all beings could pull it out.The only way to pull the ground out from someone, besides a host of narley ways to go about it which have very negative consequences, is by the actual fact of something.I can't really say anything about " Love " because you know......................You decide when someone falls in love.Ok so you decide.At this time I have to say " I was wrong " you scared me.However I now know what I didn't used to, that if I scare people knowingly or unknowingly it is inevitable someone will scare me back.You've seen all the comments that don't belong or make sense so I assume you c that me being scary is ridiculous just as my out of place comments are just well...a little emotionally and socially retarded.the Doctor says I'm her model patient and a poster boy for the emotionally retarded which she claims we all are to some degree.I told her that I will never stop screwing around on the computer as long as the universe has something funny, quirky and strangely interactive in a truly unusual way that engages the issues in my life that gave me and give me the most trouble.I have gotten much healthier as a result and my laughter which started up again in session and while I was having this laughing fit she said " it looks like it hurts",to which I said through the tears " it does but in a really joyous way.I must have been more upset than I realized because that just about only happens to me sober when Jon is around.You have fucking impeccable timing.No shit I ain't kissin yo ass when I say that.I understand disordered or " different " ways people think which is part of my love of the original,fresh and unexpected; But, I also did not believe that anyone could take words to heart and cut my sorrow in half and double by many times the joy.I have to have prepared myself to receive that by feeling some joy to begin with as I always repeat about good stuff starts within I guess that about proves it.I'm going to put the videos up.They are pretty short.In on I garbled bout " I'm sitting here and then I c this Y"ALL (giggles)........then the CHOPIN...................oh ........fuck me(as in i'm fucked now..... what am I going to do)", The other one was an attempt to say but ,I barely got it out, " The wicked witch of the west....................(screaming)....that means there has to be a wicked witch of the east".................. . It only makes sense because of the week I just had along with the many ones I know and have been close to and loved by.I think I will let it this b a minute, and, c if I can upload it if only to remind myself of what happened and stay cheerful. Normally when I laugh like that I expect to cry soon but I think this time the crying came first. C U

Pure poetry

Thats really fine.Or , that is really fine.In fact thats my fovorite kind of art and someone is very very good at it.A lot finer communication than blather about fine wine or diatribes about extraneous philosophical, political verbose pecking(typing)could ever be.I am glad not having any idea what i'm doing and I can not help sometimes hoping someone else does.I just about fell out of the bed so to speak at the humor of it.I thought of that line from Your saving grace from yesterday and I was thinking about something my psychiatrist said when I told her I felt like I stuck at being 16 or even a little less to which she said " We all do".That was the end of ever worrying about acting adolescent as far as I was concerned.Its always a good thing to have the ability to shut a man up regardless.that's a sweet feeling I will remember.

Kerplunkety-plunck

Oh well, I think I could say all that a lot better than I have.It was fun for me for about the two minutes to consider whether I would want to remain that offensive.Not really.Still, Freedom of expression requires more maturity than that besides, certain topix don't mix very well.Words generate a certain amount of heat at times.I could not learn without taking chances and falling at times.Thats life and thats art and thats slop.A very bad time to indulge that pastime.

kurplunk

I have premonitions.I have a very strong one that seems to me a long way away but it grows larger and more real as it comes nearer to me.I think I just described the universal human experience of being alive.I venture to guess that life will always feel that way because the essence of life is the arrivals and departures that are part and parcel of change.This is the idea of " The Wisdom of Insecurity" a book by alan watts.It must be the wind and the falling leaves that my mind describes which allow me to pop my head out,The delicate fleeting aspects of life can not harm me.A little bit loungee I suppose but thats an ongoing work in progress if need be.I'm probably the world LOUNGING champion.I'm really well suited with just the right skill set to lounge lounge followed by more lounging.Thats because I discovered in reading history that so many women and men have got huge amounts done by lounging.I have always wanted to know all about it.In history we have three right off the bat.Winston Churchill woke up every day and drank a bottle of champaign every day before consuming more stuff.He worked from bed all day or unless he had a public engagement.Mao tze dong governed one billion people about from his favorite place to work.......always from lounging around his giant bed.Emily Dickinson is our First Lady and first man of all Poetry In this country and she was a militant lounger in extremes.True old abe never slept but he made camp wherever he was as he consumed a lot of only four things. Laudanum(opium),hard boiled eggs, milk and enemas.That does not sound to appealing however.It piles up fast in history.These footnotes about history are supposed to teach us how to do things now but instead our system makes as if things have always been this way.J.P Morgan is known as a fact to have been a " three bowls of opium a day man ".No one had any problem with bear aspirin when it was half brown and half white from 1812 until 1912.We have made an industry out of our judicial system that costs billions and locks up our own citizens who have committed no malice or violent act.Its a very flawed system and we need to learn by the European example in my opinion.

Autumn Leaves and...... it really "ain't no thing but a chicken wing"

Which was kinda my point.It only happens like....4 or maybe 5 times a year and I'm good 4 a long while after that bit.I realize its a manly problem to be obsessed with it if it is a problem at all and that our opposite numbers would never do that.Just thinking about that scenario doesn't feel at all right.4 myself I can only say that the psychiatrist I saw twice a week all through my teenage years was a total nut job.I am and always shall be me but part of that "me" is an amalgam of external influences.Some are internal external in the sense that I didn't think out or choose what gene pool of "Human Survivors" I was going to get.I spend a lot of time thinking about things sometimes 4 apparent reasons sometimes not.I have been more interested in ideas about so called "behavioral issues".I hate the term first off.The word " behavior " is a less than stellar one to me.A behavior problem rests mostly in the onlookers not the so called bad behavior.When a man is fairly happy yelling at the top of his lungs in the middle of the sidewalk the reaction from many pedestrians, I have noticed by scrutinizing these events, that one tends to remember being happy as a child, yelling then getting slapped 4 it.Part of my heart wants to be yelling like the dude while another part wants to please the parental figure and another part is highly resentful at being hurt emotionally as a result of being happy.These feelings are from the torrential peace and frozen heat of the world of ambivalence.Fence sitting, mug-wump,this AND that.Wherever I feel very ambivalent about something or someone I know my true self interest will lay in that direction.I mean inner self interest to do with ethereal matters.The more mixed feelings over time means answers because as one morphs along with the object or thought one is ambivalent about some of it clears and leaves s solid steady something.Its good I think to say that all in all to whomever reads this,4 me to Remark that ones inner life does improve more so than not.I knew this aged hypnotist and psychotherapist who was dying and being cared for by this incredibly bandy imbibing raging Celtic woman from cape cod along with her boy friend.I asked this elderly person if he thought life begins after 40(I hate this bit cuz I refuse to c my self through someone else's limitations unless there is a good reason),and I liked his answer which was typical 4 his way in saying " yes and no " , to which I countered " come on dude ......you can't answer the question yes or no??????".He preferred me to be at ease and speak my mind as it made him more comfortable when I got boisterous.He said "awww urrrr a-a-a-a- weeeee -elle ..um......MORE YES THAN NO".Yea we age but that has nothing to do with numbers and the whole idea that humanity is chopped up like that to me is wrong.I am counting on all the generations being fairly united when I hit old age and I fully expect I will be of the first old timers to c myself with enthusiasm i the 20 year olds walking around.Its been that way for about ten years whereby I seem to be far better understood by those at least twenty years younger than me.I was trained by a woman who is twenty eight now but she was eight when she was my teacher.I helped my friend with their latch-key kids.I had been a latch key kid although the latch was on 5th ave, and I was determined that Erica and Sean would have whatever attention they needed.Erica was very hard core about rejecting all unearned privilege of authority and that's my trip too.I didn't want to be a parental figure and they only wanted a friend.Kids rule basically.They knew my job was to protect them so we were strict about seat belts ,keeping an eye on them,driving safely and whatever else.When your closest friends need an adult to pick up their kids three times a week because of job hours you realize how effed it would be if an accident happened so I took it very very seriously.I spent a lot of time helping them when I was supposed to be looking 4 more and more customers and I also ended up getting in the middle of my friends 1/4 gallon of Vodka violent abusive outbursts because the two kids and the wife just needed help and, although I tried to say no I just couldn't.And of course I grew very resentful and after three and a half years of his worsening bull shit creating ungodly mayhem 4 everyone and everything because he resented anyone being happy if he wasn't and he was determined to bring us down.Which he succeeded at.Down to the carpet in the living room.She was not the type of woman who would be 35 and be neglected not enjoying it.I had grounds 4 being pissed off at her vampire X on account of his actions and our lack of understanding about enabling.I do recall being very mad at him 4 asking me to sit with his wife so he could drink a 1/4 gallon of vodka. Eventually I started talking dirty and she talked back.Good God man ......what am I writing....a veritable tomb or toom or however its spelt.SPEAKING OF ACADEMICS.........I do not have knowledge of the Latin language but I know how to employ it sometimes.As soon as I translate what was written to me I've decided to utilize my access to the ANCIENT GREEK tongue.There is no punz intended here although clearly I keep making them.I am curious why but all in all I find it flattering that someone went through the trouble.I think writing messages in ancient Greek is a logical place 4 this relationship to go to.This individual whom,I have just discovered left me a message about "Ip[sum lorem etc",Is quite obviously very wise in knowing that people speak with their feet and hands 4 the most part.Someone may say they are leaving but until their feet carry them off the words are meaningless.So it is with love which thankfully,like beauty,comes from within.One can love a lot as long as one love's the one that's in front of them.The most important time to me is always now and the most important thing is always what is in front of me.I was recently taken aback because it seemed to me someone was calling me a charmer on blipfm .Some of my behavior,and this is what i was moving towards up top,is compensatory it seems because by writing the wrong meanings its easy 4 me to forgive someone else eh? If I have done it and you do one is liable to have greater understanding.Even the experience of compulsion alone is enough to open the heart and mind to understand another without entertaining hatefulness.Its hars to do sometimes, but it always seemed to me that change comes from within also.I am interested in the type of person who gets an A+ grade but cheats anyway and winds up with a B+ that they don't feel is authentic..........EVEN THOUGH THEY LEGITIMATELY GOT AN A+.I realize that people mean different things when they use words.Ted Bundy was a notable charmer but he wasn't " kind " I should think.I also realize that whatever one finds on line is liable to think your up to no good if thats what they are doing.Whom have I insulted in a reasonable period that, as a result of a lifetime of a very clear and good earned run average I should be accused of being like Ted Bundy? I may be extremely charming but that has nothing to do with my will.My will only extends as far as I can will myself to maintain a balance of perspective.If one feels bad mentally and emotionally as I surely have along with billions more SOMETIMES.........Its normal to realize one seeks relative contentment in life.Perspective makes that possible. Paradigm shift or out of the box thinking makes it possible to free oneself of nagging preferences about people,things and the things people do.Why do you suppose all these last years I am as I am and not freaking out AT YOUR BEHAVIOR towards me??????? Such as you are willing to accept that there is any.Very smart but we shall see if you are very wise.Several people fit under this last statement but that aint my point.Why would I demonstrate that I like you unless I had for the simple reason I do.I can find detractors against anyone that doesn't mean I will harp on them and remain shallow in my understanding because someone responds differently than I would.........Its fresh and curious to communicate in this very oblique manner.Communication skills are supposed to evolve however.I have to leave discontent to someone else I'm afraid but I will always be consistently as I am and available to the Human race in general and you specifically.If someone is all about getting what they want I guess that is what they see in others and as we all know " WHAT U C IS WHAT YOU GET".I won't let it bother me any that what people see when the see my picture is Fucking Ted Bundy.If another person states outright that they do not want to be treated with kindness and respect I am powerless and must say that someone has confused my somewhat OBNOXIOUS,even sometimes a little mean in my writing style and content with who I am.If you do not wish someone to treat you with kindness and respect(or at least my attempt at being all of who I am ) and you do not wish to wear the smile of contentedness satisfaction I regularly hand out then you are looking at the wrong picture and you have come to the wrong place. I assure you this mistake is due to the prevalent regionalism that stretches from here from Boston through Detroit and on to Chicago.We will give someone our last twenty and tell them something hard edged in the act of generosity.We are hard on each other with sarcasm,irony and satire.Thats just the way of a new yorker.I'm just glad I left here enough that I do not feel stuck here and that I'm chameleon like in my travels to suit local tastes more or less.I'm not as hot headed as some people although I used to be.There has been nothing that has opened my heart as much as the horrendous life and death situations I got in to.I am not proud of this even slightly.A terrible display of a formerly suicidal person without the will or the means to carry out his plan directly.That didn't happen 4 me until I was in to my thirties although I got sent home from school for threatening to slit my wrists with an exacto knife in my second second grade at Fleming school.Nothing could ever induce me to leave any trace of my associations as I have witnessed to the extent possible that others have reached the best erroneous conclusions about me that I could effect without being manipulative or obsequious.Well that was a fun writing session.I am attempting to raise my writing chops up enough as I can't bear this mind numbing lifestyle I live which is dominated by one thing.A lack of having the right activity to do that suits my skill set has beset me for my whole adult life.I did find somehow, or was sent I do not recall, the name of an actual company that pays people to write extraneously as I have here so please understand that like you I also need to utilize the people, things and thoughts in my life for any creative endeavor paid or not.Unlike some people I could not do that and stand by watching a source of my joy in the creative process ever languish.I do expect others to watch that source languish in that I would not want my issues in life to cloud my enjoyment of others by expecting any particular behavior(WITH IN REASON).That is in fact the other reason 4 writing here.Its obviously not to induce someone to like me but as I have learned to find some very valuable Ideas and enlightening factors from people I did not like.I would prefer to be treated with candor and directly.What liar is going to say they do not want to be liked????? I find that to be an admirable HUMAN quality.

Some interesting information about withdrawing and consumption of opiates: HEROIN OR HOTHEAD ?

How bad is Heroin Withdrawal?

An excerpt from:

Heroin, Myths and Reality

by: Jara A. Krivanek pub. 1988, Allen & Unwin

and a general discussion, with references of the dangers of heroin.



"The development of physical dependence depends as much on regularity of use as on the amount actually used. In practice, the vast majority of addicts of not use heroin consistently on an ongoing basis. Less than half of the addicts who have been on the streets for more than a year will have used daily for that period (Johnson, 1978). They may voluntarily withdraw to reduce their tolerance, or the scene may be temporarily too much of a hassle, or they may have an important engagement such as a trial, at which an appearance of addiction would be undesirable. Or they may simply need a rest. During such times, physical dependence may virtually disappear, yet they will still think of themselves and describe themselves as addicts. In other cases, the users may never use enough drug to develop significant physical dependence. Senay (1986) estimates that between 25 per cent and 40 per cent of street addicts are not physically dependent. Nevertheless, such 'chippers' may wish to see themselves as addicts for reasons of their own, and will so describe themselves.

The withdrawal syndrome we have been discussing is what is termed 'primary' or 'early' abstinence. A substantial portion of the physical symptoms of this stage seem to depend on the activity of a part of the brainstem called the locus coeruleus. Opiates depress this area and it would therefore be expected to become hyperactive during withdrawal. The locus coeruleus is an important center in the brain's fear-alarm system, and such hyperactivity would be consistent with the marked anxiety and agitation withdrawing addicts report. Fortunately for withdrawing addicts, other drugs beside the opiates can depress this region and one of them is clonidine.

Clonidine is generally used as an anti-hypertensive agent, but in 1978 Gold and his colleagues reported that it could suppress or reverse the symptoms of opiate withdrawal. Subsequent work has shown that this reversal is by no means complete, but there seems no doubt that clonidine can make opiate withdrawal much more comfortable.

Even if clonidine is not used, medical detoxification is usually accomplished by giving decreasing doses of a long-acting opiate like methadone. After a few weeks of this, the patient is usually opiate-free without having suffered any appreciable physical discomfort. Since a percentage of the methadone marketed for medical use finds its way into the streets, many addicts also detox themselves this way without formal medical help. Still others detox 'cold turkey'--without any pharmacological help at all. They simply tell their friends they have the flu, go to bed, and suffer in relative silence.

Medical supervision and assistance is certainly not essential for successful withdrawal." --pages 88 and 89

That was immediate withdrawal. The author goes on to say, "the duration of early abstinence depends on the drug's rate of elimination and in the case of heroin most major symptoms should be gone within seven to ten days."

He then describes, "A protracted abstinence syndrome follows withdrawal from both heroin and methadone and... lasts at least 31 weeks after withdrawal, and perhaps longer. Blood pressure, pulse rate, body temperature and pupil diameter seem to be the main physiological variables affected. Behaviorally, the subject shows an increased propensity to sleep and there are negative changes in mood and feeling state."

Heroin in itself seems to pose no real health problems, even when it is used for long periods of time. G. Dimijian in "Contemporary Drug Abuse" (in _Medical Pharmacology: Principles and Concepts_ ed A. Goth, p. 299) describes an 84-yr old physician who had been a morphine addict for 60 years and seemed to have no mental or physical problems from the addiction. In general, it seems that middle-class heroin/morphine addicts are no less healthy than the general population (see D. Musto and M. Ramos (1981) "Follow-up Study of the New England Morphine Maintenance Clinic of 1920," _New Eng J Med_ 308(30): p. 1075-76; J. Ball and J. Urbaitis (1970) "Absence of Major Medical Complications among Chronic Opiate Addicts" in _The Epidemiology of Opiate Addiction in the United States (eds J. Ball and C. Chambers), p. 301-6.)

There may be some problems associated with long-term controlled use of H, but they aren't well documented and they are certainly not comparable to those associated with either tobacco or alcohol.

So where do the health problems of heroin come from? Primarily from the use of needles, the presence of adulterants in the drug, the poor nutrition and health care associated with the hard core addict liife-style; and the violence associated with said life-style. Before I discuss these, we should note that all of these factors except adulterants are controllable by the user. The many "chippers" (that being the term for non-addicts who use addictive drugs in a controlled fashion; see, for example N. Zinberg and R. Jacobson's (1976) "The Natural History of 'Chipping,'" _Amer J Psych_ 133(1): p. 37-40.) who avoid injections (usually by "chasing the dragon" ie smoking it) have few problems.

Let's start with needles. There are two reasons to use needles: it gives a bigger rush, and it makes more effective use of the drug. This second reason is, of course, only a consideration because the drug is expensive and difficult to get. The problems with needles are that you inject a lot of crap into your body (adulterants and dilutants), you run the risk of infecting yourself with something (HIV or a Hepatitis virus), and you wreck your veins and skin. Most IV Heroin users are constantly plagued by irritated, infected skin. Hey, you inject talc into your skin, that's what you get. Even the quinine (which is believed to have originated in heroin during an outbreak of malaria among addicts) can cause numerous health problems (there's a large literature on the problems of adulterants and dilutants in heroin and cocaine).

The life-style that an addict leads is generally pretty unhealthy as well. Often, addicts don't get an adequate diet. Vitamin deficiencies are not uncommon. Constipation caused by a combination of poor eating that the effects of the drug on the bowels can lead to hemorrhoids. Chest infections seem pretty common too, especially among cigarette smokers.

Then you've got the problems of trafficking in the (potentially) violent underworld. Joe and Leishman (et al (1982), "Addict Death Rates During a Four-Year Post-Treatment Follow-up," _Amer J of Public Health_ 72: p. 703-9.) found that 28% of deaths among addicts were from violence (17% were from natural causes, and 44% were drug related).

So, it would seem that if one had clean heroin from a reliable source and avoided the IV route, there'd be few health problems. Potential problems would arise from becoming addicted and becoming unproductive or from accidentally ODing. It seems that "Chippers" avoid addiction by setting strict limits on their use ("I'll only do it on weekends" being a common limit). In the lab, it takes a couple weeks of 3 shots a day before one gets withdrawal symptoms. So, if you avoid hanging around hardcore addicts, it is not that hard to avoid an addiction.

The existence of non-addict users shouldn't be surprising. It is only because of silly people like Anslinger and Henry Giordano (head of the FB of Narc, who testified that anyone who used H more than six times would become an addict). Admittedly, controlled heroin use is difficult to locate, since the users stay out of trouble to the best of their abilities. However, if we look at who has used heroin daily (a nice substitute for the vague notion of 'addict'), we find substantial numbers of regular users who have never taken H on a daily basis (see, for example, J. O'Donnell's (1976) "Young Men and Drugs," _NIDA Res Mon_ 5, p. 13, where only a third of the users taken from a cross-section of American males had ever used H daily). In fact, considering the small amount of H in street samples, it is a wonder that users can even become true addicts. (As a side note, many of the people who present themselves or are presented by the Feds to clinics are not physicially dependent on cocaine, heroin, etc.) D. Waldorf's _Careers in Dope_ provides examples of H addicts who have held employment for long periods of time. So, even addicts can hold down jobs. Dr. William Halsted, a great surgeon and one of the founders of Johns Hopkins was a morphine addict.

Overdose is a probably largely due to people not knowing the purity of their H, the presence of adulterants which act in conjunction with the H, and addicts misjudging their tolerance. Using non-IV routes probably reduces the chances of ODing. R. Gardner (1970) in "Deaths in UK Opioid Users 1965-69" _Lancet_ 2: p. 650-3 found that 26 of the 42 accidental ODs recorded happened after a period of abstinence, so maybe 60% of ODs are from misjudging tolerance.

Since abstinence is often forced, I can only imagine that most Ods could be avoided entirely by proper measures.

Oddly enough, British addicts, who get clean heroin, have about as high a mortality rate as Americans who shoot street shit (see T. Bewley et al (1968) "Morbidity and Mortality from Heroin Dependence, 1: Survey of Heroin Addicts Known to the Home Office," _Brit Med J_ 23 March: p 725-26).

Tolerance is a funny thing. Addicts have been known to die from their second shot of the day after dividing their daily amount into three piles. It would therefore seem that their tolerance had been reduced since the first shot. Someone conjectured that tolerance was partially a matter of place-conditioning and that addicts who shoot in a particular gallery get conditioned so that their body begins to gear up for a shot when they go their and that therefore they have higher tolerance there. When they shoot up someplace else, their body isn't ready and they OD.

Before I quit typing, I'll say something about the myth of "pushers." John Kaplan (1983), in his excellent book _The Hardest Drug_, points out the numerous holes in this myth. The idea of the "pusher" is that a dealer tries to get people hooked through free samples so that he can have a helpless and reliable market for high-priced drugs. This model works pretty well for cigarette companies. However, it is totally off the mark with respect to H sellers. To begin with, as Big Bill Burroughs has documented, the model is empirically wrong since there is no clear distinction between users and sellers. Most users sell to their friends, making a little profit. In the social network of users, some will sell on a large scale, but typically not for a long period of time, as it is a hassle. The only real organization in drug dealing is at the higher levels where the drugs are purified, smuggled, and cut. Furthermore, ignoring empirical facts, the image of the pusher is pretty unsound. It only makes sense to spend time hooking people if you plan on selling to them for a long time and they will not be able to go elsewhere. Neither condition tends to be true.

Addicts are notoriously unreliable customers. Furthermore, as I have already mentioned, it is difficult to get hooked on H. Addiction is rare within the first 6 months of H use. (See Kaplan, p. 27). So, you'd have to be giving out samples for a while before you had an addict customer. Finally, associating with non-addicts is the surest way to get busted. Dealers stick to themselves; they don't hang out on play grounds.



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Now I can EAT MY WAY THROUGH ROME AGAIN!!!!!!!!! and about My Bahkti path

Its true that card readers and such are often over weight.A few are thin.I hurd that the extra weight comes from misuse of the gift.I know not to trust a person who does not enjoy a meal of clean and tasty food.What disliking chinese food would ever matter I do not know.The way I came to include Jesus with Hashem, the booda,arjuna and Brahma-Krishna/Vishnu and Shiva is these all are BAHKTI paths 4 many but not necessarily.Boooodizm and the dao brought me or brought the " inner teacher " , therefore as " Jesus : is the most accessible ways to have Bahkti with at least some candle lighting, well..................I think I'm going to become episcopalean.My cousin says " I WILL NOT HAVE IT AND I WILL NOT PERMIT IT" That would drive him batty.Being a strict RED LETTER CHRISTIAN is easy.You just through out everything other than the words recorded as spoken by jesus.The resurrection becomes symbolic in a very Jewish way which is clear to me.It makes sense 4 a jew to have come along then and simplified a bunch of conflicting laws.On account of my parents and the effect the war had on them I was taught that the world was a beast in subtle ways and untying that Gordian knot and others has always been my pride.I have a bit too much civic pride which is a blessing and a curse.I like my New York swagger.I like heading 4 the hills and have to to maintain well being that way..Its super healthy to get deep in to mountains if u can now and again at least 4 mee.The new yorkers who never really leave lose out on loving their city more I think.Well its time for the last Latour I'm going to drink 4 a while.I had a 1983 Burgandy again today.That is surely a good year 4 the red and u can happily order that vintage without spending an embarrassing amount of wine money given this nasty Quantitative easing and general economic blight replete with gulag system......If only Orwell had named his book 2010 he would have been too close 4 comfort .I used to think 1984 was over rated.....now i'm not so sure

and the punchline is.......

Well at any rate if there is a special door in to hell 4 people who waste Fine french wine I won't be able to walk through it,and speaking of french My Fine half Sister Andrea called me up out of the blue and as I explained my travel plans she said " No ......your not going to India to fix your teeth , here's $3500.I have to keep my costs low but this should be enough in the state of West By God where fewer teeth mean less cavities i suppose.Good dental work there and quite reasonable by NYC standards.Now I cauld still make saranath by jan 20 and stay till march but things change in starange ways in my life.I am no longer the poorest person you know and I guess blood is thicker than wine but wine and family go along together evidently.THE ABOVE PICTURE UPLOADED SMALLER THAN THE ORIGINAL WITH 11 BOTTLES fallow picture link. P.S SASHA COHEN AS FREDDY MERCURY in a film next year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!right on.

Ok , how about this...

If you had never seen a lake or any ocean or water and had never seen a speed boat and you came to a cliff overlooking the lake with a speed boat going by, you could not know if the wake was pushing the boat or the boat is making the wake.The past is just exactly so.Just as you would discover by checking out the boat that the boat made the wake so all thoughts about the past are always in the present.The past is created by the present.That means its let go-able or whatever.

Wine, William Faulkner, Mississippi and me.....Or......Time I say something or other

I decided this very strange event in my life is a good example of Karma.Understand that given any amount of money I could not live with myself drinking a $55o.00 every night.I finally went down to inspect this treasure that we can't sell and must consume on account of the wine never being turned.I almost wanted to cry on the one hand cuz there are cases of fine fine Burgundy that are ruined.I know nothing at all about fine fine burgandy wine though I have drunk it growing up at home and I recognize it.Not all thank you thank you thank you.I guess because the temperature in the little room in the basement was so perfect many many bottles of fine expensive vintages are still in tact for an amazing experience I never thought I would see again.Thats because in 1982 and thereafter,but especially 1982, the Bordeaux region (spelt it right this time) produced a series of vintages that were once in two hundred years or something crazy.It was so good and cheap I started spending up to $89 bucks for wine that now runs at 3000 dollars a bottle.My step dad accused me of "Infanticide when I brought a 1983 châteaux Margeaux which I insisted we drink cuz I paid like a benji I think 4 it.He would never drink Grand Vin De Châteaux La-tour 1980 every night just about. Neither the La-tour Pin Figeac 1978.One case is a 1948 and it all got corked to shit.What happens when you drink this wine does defy description.A full thirty seconds after sipping it you get these fabulous flavors coming at you and it fucking just rocks.An old expression from a fire-sign theater record comes to mind.A bunch of us used to say it I never knew why.I guess cuz it was always out of context."no true Mississippi die hard would leave his wine cellar undefended in such dangerous times".On the record ' Everything you know is wrong" they have a part about how the sout,not the north, won the civil war.As it happens the first blog post of my own I ever wrote was about William Faulkner.Oh they keep showing President Kennedy on tv talking the actual night before I was born,in the middle of the worst part of the Cuban Missile Crises.Faulkner is controversial.He won the Noble Prize for Literature for his book ' Light In august.He invented a new way of writing and wrote the screenplay of " To have and have not" with Hemingway who I dislike, among other Hollywood efforts.He came from Oxford Mississippi which,along with the county Oxford is in,Became an imaginary county throughout his books.Light in august is very readable in my opinion.The sound and the Fury changed my life because in the book different characters take over the narrative.One is autistic.I'm a high functioning autistic person by diagnosis(cTouretz) so all of a sudden I'm reading narrative that perfectly describes what Im seeing and feeling at times.I was like.....wow .....I'm not alone .The title of this book comes from the original Shakespeare Quote " It is a tale told by an Idiot full of SOUND AND FURY signifying nothing".I always promised myself that amongst the many things I would c around these fifty states two had remained.Swimming in Lake Superior visiting the MI U.P, and Oxford Mississippi in late June with a bicycle and plenty of cold toddies to drink.One day before I die.I'm fixin to find a bed and breakfast outside of town.I want to walk where his Characters walked.Thats how much I love William Faulkner.Because of his realism he has been somewhat shunned in academic circles which is unfortunate.If you take a glance at ' The Sound and the Fury' you will soon realize that it can't quite be read in a linear fashion.Not at all actually.His short stories are fun reading especially the mystery stories which are the best to start with.Light in august also changed my life completely because Of how much the book involved me with the characters.It is linear but i don't know how interesting someone might find it today.Hemingway has one excellent book called " a movable feast which is fun and fast to read unlike all his other work.My Point is that if we made a list of the ten most famous and interesting people from the state of Mississippi the the honor of being on the list that arguably or not , Faulkner would be at the forefront of, would be a grand honor indeed.I beleive that General Sherman of the Union army whom history records as an absolute wild man with a German accent lived in Mississippi At the time of the civil war oddly enough.I suppose he who burned down almost all of Georgia was from there too.They were scared to go in to South Carolina which says a lot about that state.In fact, Sherman avoided it like the plague for their reputation of Bad ass-ness. c u

I am now going to bet someone will understand this.You never knew Yris...

I was not a client of Yris.We were as close as family.While someone drank their coffee at Cafe' de la Pacce and saw her I was picking her up in my car to drive her home at 11:pm.Yris was and is BALLS FUCKING CRAZY.She was what we call in the eastern tradition my " MAHA Teacher".That would be the last Human teacher other than everyone and everything which forever replaces the want of more than what you are already given by a discovered teacher withinm.I will always love her deeply even though I pissed her off so fucking bad she walked me out on the left peninsula and through me in the fucking raging river just because it pissed her off that disgusting dumb uptight me got a gift that included assured safety from drowning there(this is crawley stuff but its apt here,most do drown).This always happens with the teacher and student it seems to me.The student surpasses the teacher and the teacher gets pissed the fuck off and betrays you just cuz they can.Actually She taught me(in her home all the time) very well and I have been quite gallant about, at least for fucking once thank you baby jesus not mentioning things she told me over the years of writing this stuff.Who the fuck cares when you know universal love you are recognized by me right away.And God knows I do in you.And thats just the way it will always be.I'm reminded of an old eastern saying , " Thieves need no introduction and the enlightened know each other automatically ".

Just a thank you.........

To the individual who sent me the freind request on u tube with the quote about freinds.I have of late felt compelled to say that the reason I respect you is........It is VERY VERY RARE that someone amasses a fortune and does not let that change them.I do not know why I feel that this is so but I think it was the very delightfull photograph that went with the request. AND NOW FOR A BUCH OF EXTRANEOUS NONESENSE AND HOPEFULLY ........FOLDERAL.tODAY IS PERFECTLY POETIC and I have chet baker just galloping away in my head.We found some latour figeac 1978.Once again we got to it just as before it was bound to fall apart.Imagine, we hace 10,000$ worth of fancy bordeux wine which we must drink before it goes and which is bassically a huge pain in the ass to sell.I forgot how great a great bottle of wine is.Just fuckin plum forgot about the magic of this obvious medicine.One bottle between two people is perfection.Add the chet baker and you are home dear.I listen to " Jazz " at rare specific times cuz too much of it gives me a fucking headache.Not last night.I was particularly impressed again after so many years of how much miles davis outclasses them all besides Satchmo.His ambasher or however its spelt is so high above any one whoever has played the instrument I wonder why anyone would bother learning the trumpet.But thats no way to go.Most important to me was always to do it my own way and I have to admit I have not exactly failed in making some impact here and there.I say..... you are much more likely to get some glory in life(or ,my life)than slug it out for "fame and fortune".I'm just about as sober as a frickin church mouse.There used to be this cool thing we had......it was called "propriety".Thanks to keeping within the confines of propriety and given a militant self honesty I find a quality of mind within me for the most part that stays consistant.I feel that some substances can be therapeutic as long as you deeply soul surch and also get the fuck off the train to see where your at.In my case everything I like can be grown in a common garden.I'm very lucky in fact.I'm one of the most pour people u know and I feel happy.As we know I did a lot of mother fucking very stupid shit these last years and all that seems to have just gone with the wind.The only way I can prove the level of enlightened being I am on depends on how I handle myself with so little.I am open to the fall and yet I find myself sustained in a way I can"t explain.I so want to hang with my old meditation cronnies in sarana and tirumanuvalai but there is a bad malaria epidemic and I think I fucked up how long the shots take and the visa.I can still make cristopher titmuss'shindig and take feb and part of march by which time the weather is horriffic.There's just no way i'm going rock climbing in bolivia.I'm staying north of the border thanks cuz I'm going to enjoy being 90 years old one day and going south of the border will surely fuck up that plan.I decided to start celebrating my hal a century mark on my 48th birthday.I just don't think one day is enough to celebrate surviving that long.Many of us have lost many who are dear to our heart.Sorry....looks like I'm run dry of folderal !!!

Oh well,that was rather abrupt so here is the rest ( a tad sloppy buta grateful expression of several people I am perhaps getting to know, with easy flowing respect.

Flailing...........hmmmmm.I thought that was a funny use of the word in the context of the visuals.My shrink actually said that to me.I had a slightly similar experience with another non strict Freudian Dr all through being a teenager.He always said shit like that.This Dr is probably seven and a bit older than me and the one from back in the day was a scary dinosaur and a bit of a crook.He had up to 5 members of my family going twice a week and charging a lot whether we went or not.In addition he would interrogate my mother 4 inside financial info from my stepfather in order to make money with stocks. Actually I sometimes feel certain that at least one person reading this knows the name of this Dr on account of a notoriously obnoxious almost "nebish" son who lucked in to legally representing Debbie Gibson.A lot of people went through this dude in the course of there climb including "Regina" ,a sort of way less talented or intelligent shadow of Madonna.She was not original or innovative and it showed.My sense was that Regina went nuts from too much cocaine and getting overwhelmed by heavy experiences she put in front of what it takes to achieve what Madonna did assuming regina had even had the talent.One has to have been around in that time to understand how noble we felt Madonna was for expressing something important about being vulnerable and being strong and feeling free to match the iron determination with something delicate but never weak.Also pop music got a new as a result. much sexier archetypal displays of what most men are hung up on.The famous Madonna syndrome ,meaning c'ing women as the perfect mother and seeing the woman as a "easy going swinger and a bunch of negative tawdry words which is what turns a lot of guys on.Its always hard to.Some one may recall (i am embarrassed to say I do..... doug brietbart . .Later me and the old man used to talk.I told him to fuck off when I was nineteen and then at thirty I went to see him a few times.When I told hiM about being in wild love he went off and said the following unbelievable comment(my present shrink knew the type and laughs).Against all propriety this old shrink said..."STAY AWAY FoM HER SHE'S JUST AN HYSTERICAL BITCH WHO JUST WANTS TO USE U AS A HUMAN DILDO".That was it other than a few talks in passing.Its not that he was all wrong but he did not understand the extent I needed the tactile physical experience of her caress at that time for starters, to awaken my deeper self, and start to feel lovable in the process.This is all too simplified.I might have picked up "Penis envy" from my sisters but only as a facade.Only woman get penis envy.There are a few women in this world right now who cause me to arouse when I think about them.Thats how I always wanted to feel and did but not from a starting point.Its NEVER ABOUT CONQUEST.The best couple is two people giving freedom to the other to conquest back.That must be total trust.That would never stop a woman or a man from being "bad sometimes" I realize all of a sudden but after long periods of being honest about what I feel about socializing,that I must of thought I had pennis envy which only woman can get.Luckily Dr mayer knows about it, i am not sure enough to venture a definition right now I have something to be confident about not something to hide and avoid.I'm putting "it" in charge because my mind is finally in check as far as rum on thoughts and emotions that are unresolved.Namely.....I know sometimes having someone to blame or be angry with, can help until, like I found, this anger finds its true source and destination which is sometimes nothing to do with the person chosen to get the wrath.I think of a few women and I just get aroused.I also think about waking up in bed with them in the morning.I also refuse to rile up my mind as regards the future.Something could seem to have changed for someone else which resulted in this .I was holding on to the past in a way quite hidden from view.I like the spicy extras you added to my secret.It says a lot of fun things about the person who added the part that didn't happen.I like the way you think.I don't think this could happen unless certain things were true.I suppose life shall unfold with surprise and delight knowing one another or not , if we want that. back before long and a tad clearer I hope.

shoes

I think someone got their mojo working.Possibly someone got someone else to get their mojo working which can be just as good.I have naturally been shy about gallivanting around utooob writing touretzish posts that just do not belong.That was a big fear that someone helped me get over which I appreciate.I know enough about anger to at least try to not let it spurn a reaction from me so that I can learn from it.I found most of the anger I feel is indiscriminate as to thoughts of who and what it dwells on, especially when it turns on itself at which point I get pretty detached.I can't express enough how practical it is to work anything out internally.It takes lots of self honesty and a decision or deep desire to understand and get past something, not to arrive at some look warm sour grapes version of acceptance but because one is prepared to be happy with whatever one doesn't accept.There is no way I can say much about love because my experience is presently trailblazing in ways I would have thought impossible.The fact remains I protect the things I cherish in my heart.I would keep it as is for the rest of my life and feel very blessed if that is how it has to be to protect that place in my heart.I value this enough that I could not be persuaded to lose it over or as a whimsical desire.The particular "dirty secret" that has been reffed to is not as dirty as its being made out.Frankly it would take a crowbar to open it up in the other direction at this point.When I tweeted "keep it to yourself" 14 months ago as a response I meant first and foremost keep it to yourself that you found out because that can stymie a natural ones flow.I would have been interested in finding out if and how the person explains it or "admits" it.I also am aware but do not ever consider dirty little secrets about others which I found out mostly by accident although I appear perhaps to have done that on purpose.Once I wrote something on another persons blog to do with something irrelevant about them at this point which was a very stupid and thoughtless moment on my part.I couldn't have been more offensive and even threatening which was not at all what I wanted.It sucked to look at myself in the mirror after that but it needed to hurt enough that I would not do it again.I was completely taken over by a sense of not belonging in general and actually thought what I wrote was a good idea.I went to the doctor today and we talked about the " Phallus " issue and I was right on the money.Thoughts about sexual acts are different than thinking of someone and getting aroused.I have at times looked for props and stuff to hide behind in an effort to avoid accepting love because I knew it would be painful to admit or accept the huge fears of loss, rejection and inconsistency I expected almost automatically based on my upbringing.My Dr. is a very hard core and she told me 4 years ago at least that I was "In Freudian term like a giant erect penis flailing around ouzing with no direction or control" and I knew it had to do with understanding power and control and I wondered if it would change.She also said its common for someone with big trust issues to find ways of avoiding the thing they need to address especially if they are not ready 4 it.I was that way in earlier days partly because the first women I was with were much older than me at 16(one was my gosh.......35) and they all said things that embarrassed me.I stopped painting at 22 because I couldn't handle compliments without losing a sense of doing the paintings without contrivance.It didn't make me feel good when she told everyone I knew about it and so I did my best not to take responsibility and make up some strange ways to still get off without dealing with my actual sexuality which naturally was subject to some of the confused ambivalent feelings I was rife with regarding love.Being raised in a house with 10 women and a gagle of gay cabaret musicians who my mom managed allowed me to get somewhat confused especially as I wanted to just say "i'm normal" and have that be so.The more I realized how violently ambivalent I was I seemed to compulsively want to act out other behavior (mostly alone I might add) oops ,i have to go, but I want to add that my days of flailing like that are very happily over as a result of my interaction on the computer... to b continued ...sort of

Doing U Boo

I can always hear that voice of the person who said it to me...."do uuuuuuuuuuuuyoooooo boooooo".............its all about yuuuuoooeeeeoo mother f...", whenever i had troubles I would talk to homeless people.I often got that response but I never knew all that that would mean to do it.It demands the imposition of seeking balance in thoughts and words because the extremes become a lot less than 'doing you boo' which are also a natural feature on the path to an exquisite balance.I think genuine gratitude is the ground score and like patience, is a virtue unto itself.When both of these or qualities of these are present in my life I feel emboldened in ways others might take for granted.I feel better about expressing myself because in the process of " doing myself ", I learned a lot of things about myself chiefly that I have been running from who I am physically not because I reject it but because I have never been sure about what to do with......." it " that mostly avoids some of the problems that " it " can cause others.I've avoided ...." it ".Thats quite past 4 me now so I feel better as a result regardless of how I am perceived, in knowing what I want and why.I have to say thankyou to someone a lot and this explains a lot because they demonstrate naturalness.If I am moved toward clarity as a result I naturally take notice.I want to fully understand the reasons and also fully not understand them,in a balanced way. off track .....If someone tells me something is not real I can't help but wonder about exceptions and I refuse to build a brick wall around my heart if something is different than I thought it would be.Its important not to know somethings so one can value the process of finding out I suppose.

"Great minds think alike and fools seldom differ."?????????????

A funny expression 4 sure but as to what it means is anyones guess.I learned it from an Indian freind.Its wednesday october 7th 2010 and I have nothing to write offhand but I know something will well up in due course.The up side of the vicissitudes of the creative process is that just as it receedes it always returns.Just an observation but a positive one.In times of great difficulty its all important to see the things that are augmented by that failure or difficulty.I don't handle change as gracefully as I would like but that has always been so and change will eventually come whether I like it or not.Its essential to know that its common for artists of any type to have lulls or feeling a lack of inspiration but those things will always return.I suppose its what I do with it when it does.I am sure I will one day feel like writing but as it stands today and near future probably not.Maybe a few observations to specifically note 4 future interest perhaps.No more opinions alas....... I am confident the world will be ok without them and I get much more from redirecting the energy of thinking anything to do with me going online to something which is more constructive.Whenever a thought comes up along those ligns I re-phocus my attention on my awareness of physical sensation.Its gotten easier day by day and its good timing because I have to change up stuff 4 a while whether I like it or not. if I want to do the things I want its a must right now.I am sure that there is nothing I can do to express the simplest aspiration 4 another or other peoples well being here on this blog,without it being misconstrued as a result of the manner in which it is expressed.I think lots of things that I won't express mostly because I don't c a positive reason to and often these thoughts are coming from a place of wanting to explain myself to no one in particular and thats not a good reason to write.I think it leads to miscommunication if anything.The statute of limitations is over 4 anything I ever wrote online.Its all long long ago,and ought to be forgotten by any fair measure I can think of.I don't want to write anything that will make an excuse 4 someone else to continue being hateful towards me.So I guess how one treats another is how one wishes to be treated.I know if I judge then that kind of thinking which has no discrimination will turn on me and I would rather feel open and happy towards other people anyway.So this is the end of wasted words 4 now and I might as well add that I am so completely sure my heart is untainted and uncontaminated with hatefullness and that I wish the very best 4 people I think about and know.Have fun!!!!!Buy buy!!!! Nothing will deter me from writing as soon as I have re-inspired myself but it could take a while or it could be tomorow.

The braided Taint...........................................ru smiling?

I found out this past summer what a taint is.My friends were laughing at this dude who had a sign that said "taint braiding for trade".If you don't know what it is its the skin between the balls and the butt.These words are going to have to write themselves because I'm anti thinking now.Partially this is because I'm flabbergasted.Flabbergasted and dumbfounded to the point of submission towards the ebb and flow of feelings and thoughts.I can't seem to stop the way I feel and I don't have a clue how this has happened.I can't maintain arrogant and mean thoughts for longer than it takes to say them.Also I can't get pissed off at anyone for doing something I did.I have no response but goo-goo eyes to comments made or made in a very oblique manner which seem to be a condemnation, castigation and rejection.Stuff I always thought was unforgivable (like eavesdropping on me [as a hypothetical example] ) just fans the flame of adoration. I do not know why when I sit alone and think of this person for a second even,when smiling I feel like the smile is two souls talking.Adoration for another person based on jealousy,passing whim,physical attraction and whatever else does not apply because of my life experiences.I feel free from an attachment to outcome.I can't share this experience because it seems no one else ever felt this way.I love myself enough not to subject myself to rejection and verbal abuse but they don't upset me in this case.because I feel this inexplicable non verbal intimacy.There is no acquisitiveness and no anxiousness over some "future".Its very enlightening in that sense.A freedom from the past and future,The awareness of her soul happens beyond the thought process of words and assumptions.Those are eternally beautiful moments and it makes me happy and its a blessing to me.Now thats strange!!!I fully accept being rejected,being made fun of,written off because i'm tainted etc and still have this feeling.I can't control the conclusions someone else makes and even though they are only partly aware of the truth and come to erroneous conclusions I do not feel an overbearing need to clarify that.If what I feel has any validity,and as I said this is not predicated on getting someone to feel differently about me or even acknowledging or accepting me,then they would know as I am and understand where certain events fit in my life.This post should be called "i'm fricken clueless".Good clueless though because its desired in making an effort to be content and to be free from false pride and insensitivity.My instincts tell me one thing and my common sense tells me something else.Love is so real and it is so worthy to feel.I learn from everything I love.I know I can't "compete" here on line.I don't have the knowledge or the resources and I will not bemoan the fact.I also have never felt quite like this before in such a fresh variety of ways so not knowing and being open while a little painstaking,allows a clear and undisturbed vision free from the taint of my perception of another person.Whenever possible I seek to separate the action from the person.I'm not trying to make anyone like me but I realize how vital people are and how much I appreciate so many.I don't ever want to act lackadaisically about putting my worst foot forward largely from what I learned since 2004 and I militantly hope I never have to write the sort of things I did in those years because it was a deliberate method made available to me by accident, in order to discover what I could not see within.It worked in the end and .......ooops gotta go. i'm just a simple me!!

chewing gum from around the world

Um.Its hard to describe pattern.I don't think or feel rhythm as a signature because notation dosn't describe how it feels in a similar way.There are no combination of words to put words to something that does not need them.Its like a sunset or sunrise over the water,more elaborate and embracing through silence.Music that gets louder,finely toned and elaborate the lower u turn the vollume.It takes a bit sometimes on account of lots of different ' stuff ', but humor becomes very important and there is a lot of humor in this world that is new to me and I like that a lot sometimes regrdless of its intention or the mind set of its originator.A good practice throws back dividends fast and true ultimatly.If I could write about what I can't seem to be able to want to elaborate on,I would say.............Brilliant and very funny in an oblique way but that says nothing about the heart or the essence experienced.ooops um to b continued

WHAT THE FRICK IS GOOGLE BUZZ

Deadlines are deadly so flexibility helps.I wonder if the reason people treat other people indifferently and with haughty superiority and .I don't know how to be angry for someone acting that way to me.I had a lot of it and realized it was just a way some people are.I can not write some things because I do not want to agonize over writing it to my expectations currently.I used to write almost like I talk............those days are over.I'm even getting over writing out my ass.One very comfortable thing for me all my life is to be derided,ignored,doubted at times when I was too small to get the opposite.I mention this because I realize how much more serious I get taken.Between only us here,I can not escape that I am ...."an Artist"..maybe a shitty one.....maybe mediocre,maybe something very new long planned.But I am not that in the eyes of courts,lawyers,woman and men of business and even reps if I am honest about something I am bound by law to do basically.I can't believe how many men do not mention there ssd status to whomever they are dealing with especially prospective friends,lovers,etc.It should not be a problem.I know this dude who I decided to allow him a chance to show me what kind of a friend he was in a memorable way.It costs me my last 20$ bill untill I could call a real Friend who has implicit trust in my word regarding more exacting issues.I said over and over,knowing he had money and the so called drugs he needed.He has his own appartment and I had met him to get him food for his cat,,,after he asked for my twenty I said this is my last for a few days at least as much as I could but I realized......you see .....that without seeing him take it I would lose the opportunity to simplify him to a non regular aquaintance which was not natural to me but I would would have to always recall when we hung out that my interests were irrelevant to him.EXCEPTIONS ALWAYS apply ALWAYS.Imagine if someone was many times removed from knowing me..............and also couldn't have a reason to feel I wanted what they have as my dedication to my elitist past is only that I seem to appreciate it more as I age and not that I witnissed in front of my eyes just how it is for many "WEALTHY" people.It seems unbalanced for me too curse it ,reject it, or expect it.I wish I did not know what I know but I like grits.some experience or combination often makes one realize that no amount of anything is worth the pain of feeling it missing in my life.People are not things or amorphous blobs that become who I want them to be.I am glad I don't know what others think.I might not know what something tells me and am u nnable to register it.Like getting messages you can't retrieve.Thats not malice.I like to c the other persons view.I would be very suprized if the next post leeds up from this cuz its late by a few days sorta.........smile anyway you can

Thats what they all say and a brief note

They do.Amazing isn't it?Its important if one wants to know what its like to be intimate on any level with another human.Even if you spend ten years being a voyeur.When your friend fights with you or you with them that makes ones bond stronger when u know they still care etc. its most likely a defining quality for my socializing. My relationship with intimacy is such that I (and I can stop with effort and good habits)still say "do you know what I mean?" while I'm speaking to someone I know for 22 years as if I am not sure I am ever being there.Thats very fucked up to not have any capacity to converse with someone on the basis and agreed understanding that you are going to speak and listen to each other and feel relatively comfortable.I can force myself to do lots of things that are the equivalent of adapting to the wishes of adult authority figures. Sometimes a child feels they are doing the right thing by maintaining a behavior a parent seems to want and find a nuisance.The 'Problem child" who keeps the family together and allows the other members of the family to do what they want and they have no interest in "the problem child" changing.They want the child to keep on distracting the parents or parent.This is familiar to most all psychotherapists.Some marriages depend on the "problem child". Many people desire a change from reacting to life dumbly as if programmed ,to responding to life in a fresh way and its often due to behavior that does not feel authentic that people look to change.Nice days in nyc this week and I hope YOU are WELL whomever and wherever you are cu

to a future lover. A poem by ralph usdan

I am the curl in the wave on the ocean you c I am the light of your after midnight glow the yellow jacket the crying baby through all these things I can not write right now but are the imaginations release and longing for expression since most of all I am the peaceful silence the thought of you brings I am your solitude that will never stray from loving you unconditionaly even knowing it has no meaning to anyone or if it has no meaning to you its the music the vision of you makes not my mind not the golden rule no feelings because with you its always my heart beating to the rhythm of your life in the pie crust of Divine solitude and you are deep and you are demure and I am in love with you because of your genius hiding the atomic brightness your inheritance as the true progeny of the sun itself I could ask nothing of you any more than I would ask of the sun you might say I do not know and that my words are cheap and I would say of the bitter cold on winter solstice in New England that the sun was too distant And too far a hopeless cause as is the sun too close on the longest day in the equitorial regions of India but it could never be to hot to hold you for a moment of eternity In this world you do as you please that is my desire these are not sour grapes you are not a figure or name in a speech please laugh at me your figure is not a thing to me the light in your eyes is not a noun I will never be hidden from you love is no island or sunset view and it also is the love is there as I am no more you make me unconditional and aware.