The braided Taint...........................................ru smiling?

I found out this past summer what a taint is.My friends were laughing at this dude who had a sign that said "taint braiding for trade".If you don't know what it is its the skin between the balls and the butt.These words are going to have to write themselves because I'm anti thinking now.Partially this is because I'm flabbergasted.Flabbergasted and dumbfounded to the point of submission towards the ebb and flow of feelings and thoughts.I can't seem to stop the way I feel and I don't have a clue how this has happened.I can't maintain arrogant and mean thoughts for longer than it takes to say them.Also I can't get pissed off at anyone for doing something I did.I have no response but goo-goo eyes to comments made or made in a very oblique manner which seem to be a condemnation, castigation and rejection.Stuff I always thought was unforgivable (like eavesdropping on me [as a hypothetical example] ) just fans the flame of adoration. I do not know why when I sit alone and think of this person for a second even,when smiling I feel like the smile is two souls talking.Adoration for another person based on jealousy,passing whim,physical attraction and whatever else does not apply because of my life experiences.I feel free from an attachment to outcome.I can't share this experience because it seems no one else ever felt this way.I love myself enough not to subject myself to rejection and verbal abuse but they don't upset me in this case.because I feel this inexplicable non verbal intimacy.There is no acquisitiveness and no anxiousness over some "future".Its very enlightening in that sense.A freedom from the past and future,The awareness of her soul happens beyond the thought process of words and assumptions.Those are eternally beautiful moments and it makes me happy and its a blessing to me.Now thats strange!!!I fully accept being rejected,being made fun of,written off because i'm tainted etc and still have this feeling.I can't control the conclusions someone else makes and even though they are only partly aware of the truth and come to erroneous conclusions I do not feel an overbearing need to clarify that.If what I feel has any validity,and as I said this is not predicated on getting someone to feel differently about me or even acknowledging or accepting me,then they would know as I am and understand where certain events fit in my life.This post should be called "i'm fricken clueless".Good clueless though because its desired in making an effort to be content and to be free from false pride and insensitivity.My instincts tell me one thing and my common sense tells me something else.Love is so real and it is so worthy to feel.I learn from everything I love.I know I can't "compete" here on line.I don't have the knowledge or the resources and I will not bemoan the fact.I also have never felt quite like this before in such a fresh variety of ways so not knowing and being open while a little painstaking,allows a clear and undisturbed vision free from the taint of my perception of another person.Whenever possible I seek to separate the action from the person.I'm not trying to make anyone like me but I realize how vital people are and how much I appreciate so many.I don't ever want to act lackadaisically about putting my worst foot forward largely from what I learned since 2004 and I militantly hope I never have to write the sort of things I did in those years because it was a deliberate method made available to me by accident, in order to discover what I could not see within.It worked in the end and .......ooops gotta go. i'm just a simple me!!

chewing gum from around the world

Um.Its hard to describe pattern.I don't think or feel rhythm as a signature because notation dosn't describe how it feels in a similar way.There are no combination of words to put words to something that does not need them.Its like a sunset or sunrise over the water,more elaborate and embracing through silence.Music that gets louder,finely toned and elaborate the lower u turn the vollume.It takes a bit sometimes on account of lots of different ' stuff ', but humor becomes very important and there is a lot of humor in this world that is new to me and I like that a lot sometimes regrdless of its intention or the mind set of its originator.A good practice throws back dividends fast and true ultimatly.If I could write about what I can't seem to be able to want to elaborate on,I would say.............Brilliant and very funny in an oblique way but that says nothing about the heart or the essence experienced.ooops um to b continued

WHAT THE FRICK IS GOOGLE BUZZ

Deadlines are deadly so flexibility helps.I wonder if the reason people treat other people indifferently and with haughty superiority and .I don't know how to be angry for someone acting that way to me.I had a lot of it and realized it was just a way some people are.I can not write some things because I do not want to agonize over writing it to my expectations currently.I used to write almost like I talk............those days are over.I'm even getting over writing out my ass.One very comfortable thing for me all my life is to be derided,ignored,doubted at times when I was too small to get the opposite.I mention this because I realize how much more serious I get taken.Between only us here,I can not escape that I am ...."an Artist"..maybe a shitty one.....maybe mediocre,maybe something very new long planned.But I am not that in the eyes of courts,lawyers,woman and men of business and even reps if I am honest about something I am bound by law to do basically.I can't believe how many men do not mention there ssd status to whomever they are dealing with especially prospective friends,lovers,etc.It should not be a problem.I know this dude who I decided to allow him a chance to show me what kind of a friend he was in a memorable way.It costs me my last 20$ bill untill I could call a real Friend who has implicit trust in my word regarding more exacting issues.I said over and over,knowing he had money and the so called drugs he needed.He has his own appartment and I had met him to get him food for his cat,,,after he asked for my twenty I said this is my last for a few days at least as much as I could but I realized......you see .....that without seeing him take it I would lose the opportunity to simplify him to a non regular aquaintance which was not natural to me but I would would have to always recall when we hung out that my interests were irrelevant to him.EXCEPTIONS ALWAYS apply ALWAYS.Imagine if someone was many times removed from knowing me..............and also couldn't have a reason to feel I wanted what they have as my dedication to my elitist past is only that I seem to appreciate it more as I age and not that I witnissed in front of my eyes just how it is for many "WEALTHY" people.It seems unbalanced for me too curse it ,reject it, or expect it.I wish I did not know what I know but I like grits.some experience or combination often makes one realize that no amount of anything is worth the pain of feeling it missing in my life.People are not things or amorphous blobs that become who I want them to be.I am glad I don't know what others think.I might not know what something tells me and am u nnable to register it.Like getting messages you can't retrieve.Thats not malice.I like to c the other persons view.I would be very suprized if the next post leeds up from this cuz its late by a few days sorta.........smile anyway you can

Thats what they all say and a brief note

They do.Amazing isn't it?Its important if one wants to know what its like to be intimate on any level with another human.Even if you spend ten years being a voyeur.When your friend fights with you or you with them that makes ones bond stronger when u know they still care etc. its most likely a defining quality for my socializing. My relationship with intimacy is such that I (and I can stop with effort and good habits)still say "do you know what I mean?" while I'm speaking to someone I know for 22 years as if I am not sure I am ever being there.Thats very fucked up to not have any capacity to converse with someone on the basis and agreed understanding that you are going to speak and listen to each other and feel relatively comfortable.I can force myself to do lots of things that are the equivalent of adapting to the wishes of adult authority figures. Sometimes a child feels they are doing the right thing by maintaining a behavior a parent seems to want and find a nuisance.The 'Problem child" who keeps the family together and allows the other members of the family to do what they want and they have no interest in "the problem child" changing.They want the child to keep on distracting the parents or parent.This is familiar to most all psychotherapists.Some marriages depend on the "problem child". Many people desire a change from reacting to life dumbly as if programmed ,to responding to life in a fresh way and its often due to behavior that does not feel authentic that people look to change.Nice days in nyc this week and I hope YOU are WELL whomever and wherever you are cu

to a future lover. A poem by ralph usdan

I am the curl in the wave on the ocean you c I am the light of your after midnight glow the yellow jacket the crying baby through all these things I can not write right now but are the imaginations release and longing for expression since most of all I am the peaceful silence the thought of you brings I am your solitude that will never stray from loving you unconditionaly even knowing it has no meaning to anyone or if it has no meaning to you its the music the vision of you makes not my mind not the golden rule no feelings because with you its always my heart beating to the rhythm of your life in the pie crust of Divine solitude and you are deep and you are demure and I am in love with you because of your genius hiding the atomic brightness your inheritance as the true progeny of the sun itself I could ask nothing of you any more than I would ask of the sun you might say I do not know and that my words are cheap and I would say of the bitter cold on winter solstice in New England that the sun was too distant And too far a hopeless cause as is the sun too close on the longest day in the equitorial regions of India but it could never be to hot to hold you for a moment of eternity In this world you do as you please that is my desire these are not sour grapes you are not a figure or name in a speech please laugh at me your figure is not a thing to me the light in your eyes is not a noun I will never be hidden from you love is no island or sunset view and it also is the love is there as I am no more you make me unconditional and aware.